An Ode To Brian Moorman

Estimated reading time: 4 minute(s)

Hey remember me?

Well Bills fans I’m back and I’m stepping up my role with the BBR this year. So what does that mean? Well that’s an excellent question I myself would like an answer to. I actually wrote a really long and in depth article about the Bills draft, my thoughts, where I thought the team could go this year, etc. Then before I published it I looked around and noticed that everything I wrote was already said/written by everybody else. Coming to the realization that I had nothing new or interesting to say, I stayed quiet, honoring the ancient Chinese proverb, “Everybody already thinks you’re stupid, shut up stupid.”

Still trying to find my role on this BBR team overflowing with analytical talent, I’m going to try to fit in where and when we’re thin, sometimes that means filling in as a co-host, sometimes that means writing articles, sometimes it means getting coffee, and sometimes showing the supermodels who visit around the studio (which we don’t have…yet. Note to self: remember to ask Greg to build a studio and invite supermodels).

As some of you might know, the guys are planning an upcoming interview with my favorite player Brian Moorman, and as my favorite player I have a very important role in that show, which is nothing. So, not wanting to be left out I’ve done some investigating on the pro-bowl punter and complied some fun facts that the guys can use in their interview, and at the same time start my Brian Moorman for President… Of the Universe! Campaign.

(Me + Moorman jersey + Bills cheerleaders = Best. Picture. Ever.)

One time Brian Moorman was walking down the street and a bully tried to pick on him. Brian gave him a warning, but the kid didn’t back down. Having no other choice, Brian removed the kid’s braces… with his foot.

Brian Moorman gave J.K. Rowling the idea for Harry Potter, suggesting it was better than her original idea, which was a low fat cook book.

Brian Moorman single handedly won the Cold War for the U.S. When the Soviets launched a secret spy satellite that would have given them the information that would have won the war, Brian Moorman, sensing his country was in danger, went out into his backyard and punted a ball into space that destroyed the satellite. When the Soviets found out that the Americans had such a man, they called it quits right away, which was a good move if you ask me. The act earned Moorman The Congressional Medal of Awesome.

Although this is unconfirmed, it is rumored that Air Bud is actually Brian Moorman’s dog.

(This is my mom’s dog doing an impression of Brian Moorman on game day)

One time Dick Jauron told Brian Moorman what to do… just kidding.

The real reason David Beckham came to America was to be closer to Brian Moorman. Even though he’s on the other side of the country, he knew that L.A. was closer than England. He tried to come to Buffalo, but was unsuccessful since Buffalo doesn’t have a soccer team, and that’s because nobody in Buffalo really knows what soccer is.

Superman has a Brian Moorman poster on his wall.

One time Brian Moorman was held up in a bank robbery. When instructed to get on the floor like the rest of the hostages, Brian Moorman just laughed and showed the robbers his number 8 jersey. They got scared and ran out of the bank. The mayor was so impressed that he gave Brian Moorman all the money that would have been robbed from the bank and he in turn gave it to charity, his own charity. Brian Moorman has no need for money; the fact that he is the highest paid punter in the NFL is simply a statement of dominance.

Brian Moorman was walking down a road one night when he came to a bridge. Before he could cross the bridge a giant troll appeared, and said, “In order to cross this bridge you must answer correctly these three questions.” Brian agreed and the troll began to ask the first question. Before he even finished the question Brian Moorman kicked the troll’s head clean off. Stupid troll.

It turns out the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs was actually “The Lost Punt of Brian Moorman.” During a game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Brian Moorman punted a ball so high it appeared lost forever. The truth is the ball traveled so high it went back in time and hit the earth with such ferocity that it caused the extinction of entire races of giant lizards and plunged the Earth into an ice age.

Santa Clause asks Brian Moorman for Christmas presents.

The Transformers play with Brian Moorman action figures.

Christopher Columbus said he discovered the new world because, “Brian Moorman told me to.”

So you can see, Brian Moorman has been with us throughout history. Who do you think told Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel? As a thank you, he put Brian Moorman in the picture. I know you might not have noticed this before, but take a closer look (click image to enlarge).

(Who does the guy on the left look like?)

Brian Moorman is an inspiration to us all. He is the reason we don’t throw a brick through our TV when the Bills mess up on 3rd down, he’s the reason a child laughs, he’s the reason George Washington crossed the Delaware and he’s the reason the Bills are going to have a better season than the Lions and win me $20, take that Doug! It’s good to be back, go Bills!

-The John